Don't underestimate us... We are the future and they will be ours.

Thursday, February 27, 2020

nobody really reads, so I write whatever I'd like to.

         I am just spending another day online as a broke, depressed, paranoid, and confused college student. I am disappointed in myself. When I was younger, my father told me not to get caught in boys. Here I am. I was disobedient and I wish that I wasn't. I guess God has tried to teach my lesson a couple of times. Don't allow yourself to have feelings for anyone that says they are not ready for a relationship. There are no words that can describe me, but one: ignorant. I thought he would soon say that he had feelings for me. I thought that I could change him. No woman can force a man into submission, and if she does it is not in her best interest. I tried, for some time, to convince him to be this beautiful convincing man with amazing words that could turn into sonnets. A facade. That wasn't him or who he wanted to be. 

      Here we are together at dinner now. I told him before we came inside that I am not hungry. How could anyone eat on such a stomach? He has tried to change me too. He tells me how I should work out, but he means it in a good way. He's into fitness like that. Every time we eat together, I am reminded of the body that I don't have. I see the other girls around me and wonder if he projects their bodies on me. No, I am not hungry. How could I be hungry? I go to my dorm every day and stare at myself in the mirror. I run at the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I feel my body every time. That is not what I want to see or feel. I want to see and feel beauty. Because of him, I have changed. I am insecure. I feel guilty every time that I eat, and you see it. After I told you that I was not hungry you ate less. We went to a buffet. You usually eat two plates and two bowls of cereal. Today, you only had chicken, french fries, and an ice cream cone. 
   When will I be the girl that the people get to see? I want to hold hands in public. I want to be able to leave you with my colleagues and not wonder if you are with them because I am not enough. I want you to care, but you don't. That's okay. I know it will be okay because I have a blog that nobody really reads, so I write whatever I'd like to.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

As A Young Woman In The Eyes of A Man

...and just like that, I would rather be alone. Somedays, I find myself in need of the company of others. However, I find myself missing the comfort of my own silence in those moments. It is easy for me to be dulled and silenced in a sea of people and that is why God has set me apart. 
The diamond in the rough. Everything about me seems to be ordinary. I want to show the world that I can be extraordinary, but I guess it's just not my turn. 

Men seem to be an easy option. They appear to be there for you when you are down or when you "don't want to be alone." In some cases, men are this way. As a young woman, I know that young men who fan their wings this way only do so because the opportunity is present. They will not always be present in the spirit, but only in the flesh. Because I have learned my lesson, I refuse to continue to fall on the same bump on the floor. This would be nothing short of a waste of time. There is work to be done. 

It is so hard to be friends with men, as a young woman. They see something light, soft, and willing to change. Young women can easily be wrapped around a man's finger---like a ring, but there are many of those. Silver things bent by kind words, hands, and deep voices. Always willing to change until they are not. Then, the voices become deeper, hands less consensual, and words less loving. 

I too have grown weary of playing the role of the submissive woman. Instead of cowering back into the shadows, I will choose to be the young woman that steps out of the dark and into the center stage. Alone.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Simultaneous Development--me thinking @2 am

                                                     Simultaneous Development

  I've gotten to this point in development where I know exactly what's going on. How does one come to terms with the new headset that they have been given and the truth that lies beyond? First of all, I would not describe myself as an ignorant being. I believe that even in our childhood we have just a limited ability to understand what is going on, but as time passes we become bewildered with explanations behind actions. The difference between who I am now and who I was ten years ago is my ability to see the different dimensions of a story. I am no longer dependent upon one explanation. As a child we take an individual's word as his/her bond, and as time passes we begin to question every statement. People make promises and you may hear logical fallacies instead of  truths.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

A Letter to Annalise

Dear Annalise Keating,

  Annalise I know what it's like to see everything else fall apart right before your eyes and to not be able to repair any of these things. Drop everything and run. Move to Kansas or Iowa. Sometimes losing almost everything you have is a sign. When you lose everyone make sure that you still have yourself, and I know it's so hard to do things alone, but that's just how it's gotta be. It's better to have no company than bad company. I'm sure we both would know this, but it doesn't help to have the knowledge if it never gets put to use. Annalise stop befriending your clients and coworkers. These people don't love you. They love the things that you can do for them. Don't mistake love for appreciation.