Here we are together at dinner now. I told him before we came inside that I am not hungry. How could anyone eat on such a stomach? He has tried to change me too. He tells me how I should work out, but he means it in a good way. He's into fitness like that. Every time we eat together, I am reminded of the body that I don't have. I see the other girls around me and wonder if he projects their bodies on me. No, I am not hungry. How could I be hungry? I go to my dorm every day and stare at myself in the mirror. I run at the gym on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I feel my body every time. That is not what I want to see or feel. I want to see and feel beauty. Because of him, I have changed. I am insecure. I feel guilty every time that I eat, and you see it. After I told you that I was not hungry you ate less. We went to a buffet. You usually eat two plates and two bowls of cereal. Today, you only had chicken, french fries, and an ice cream cone.
When will I be the girl that the people get to see? I want to hold hands in public. I want to be able to leave you with my colleagues and not wonder if you are with them because I am not enough. I want you to care, but you don't. That's okay. I know it will be okay because I have a blog that nobody really reads, so I write whatever I'd like to.